A View from the 'Poplars' with S.O.B

A Shrimpers Perspective of the Cav's "Crisis"

So the 2003 season comes to an end, and with it the unwanted title of "worst
season ever" in terms of results, with only the lone victory over Essenden
to show for a season's endeavor.
So where has it all gone wrong ? Where has the magnificent form of last
season disappeared to ? As a bit-part player 'desperate' to become a
fully-fledged Cav, I can offer the following 'outsiders' perspective.
To begin with I suspect that the Judge's view that the problem stems from
"too many Bogey's" is a little simplistic. Wordybonk has yet to pull on the
purple and black this season, and Jurgen has upped sticks and moved 200
miles away in order to wipe away the memory of having attended the wrong
school in the 'Den. So where else can we look ?
To a degree, the Cav's have been a victim of their own success. The fixture
list has changed only marginally, yet oppo's have almost universally put out
a stronger XI this season in order to avenge many of last season's drubbings
(Only Gayton were able to comfortably field a Celebrtiy XI without fear of
being embarassed). Allied to this is the fact that we enjoy the prestigous
fixtures played on the better grounds, which consequently means a better
class of oppo (in terms of ability rather than social standing). Finally
there is the small matter of simply not performing as well as last season -
Gaymondo's bludgeoning of opposition attacks have not been as frequent this
year, the middle-lower order have consistently underperformed, and The
Prince's unavailabilty for the second half of the season would severely
deplete most teams.
So how can fortunes be reversed for next year ? Talk of changing fixtures to
take on supposed "weaker" opposition should be immediately dismissed. This
would generally entail playing at poorer stadia, and with the Cav's renowned
for whinging about 'poor' tracks ("hit weed, farmers field, shooter.." etc),
would serve only to provoke further excuse making. The truth of the matter
is that the Cav's are more than capable of beating most of the teams they
played this year (with the awesome Gayton probably being the only
exception). Redbourne, the Poncers, and Magdalene CC should all have been
walloped out of sight, whilst sometimes you have to accept that the oppo
played better on the day (Old Paulinians, Walton, Gayton of course). Even
given the fact that the Cavs are a 'friendly' side rather than a league team
should not hide the fact that there is more than enough talent in the squad
to spread overs around or mix up the batting line-up. The vast majority of
Cavs could comfortably play to a good standard of league cricket if they so
desired, some of them to a very high standard.
Those of you unfortunate enough to have been stuck talking to me during the
Tour will know that I think the major problem with regard to the Cavs
batting is that of 'application' (Sorry Vi-Clem, I know its my favourite
word). Far too many Cavs wickets are given away through rash shot selection
just when a "head down and graft" approach is required. This is particularly
inexcusable as there is no great skill required to 'sticking it out', just a
willingness to protect your wicket for the good of the team - EVERY SINGLE
Cav is capable of doing this.
In short, its my belief that if the Cav's apply a tougher mental attitude to
their batting, the natural ability in the side will ensure that the Liers
prevail more often than not (plus Lordaritharan needs to be given more of a
bowl).
In every other respect the Cav's are a class outfit. They look good on the
field (except Jay who I will sell my Cavs shirt to for £100), they have an
enthusiasm for the game that is infectious (although this season that has
generally been lost 6 overs into the second innings), and they are without a
doubt the nicest bunch of guys you would ever wish to meet (well, I do want
to play again!). In fact the only negative about 'guesting' for the Cav's is
that I dont understand a fu*king word they say!! "Bunnage", "Joe-la"(also
Gianfranco!), "boundaire", "plates", "je Joupe" are just a few choice
mockney phrases that mean nothing to a simple Midlands lad, whilst their
reluctance to use the English for "douche", "mange", "nuef" and "ballon"
is equally maddening...!! For these atrocities to the English language, the
Tablet Of Doom should be brought out and the guilty made to sip from the
Goblet Of Death in front of the Jury Of Rightousness......Oh my God, theyve
got me at it!!
So to SNR, the Goat, Zizou, the Hat, Mahatma, Gandalf, Big Bird, Brindo, Ron
Wood, Colonel Hightower, Viclem, BCR, Tweatkins, Betty Bowden, Lawrence,
Fozzie, Junior, Fireman, Firms, the Firminator, Homebase, Tony, Jurgen, Tug
Boat, the Judge, Pickles, Barry, the Specialist, Elbow, Bouffant, Bagsmore,
Delia, Lager, Chesney, Chianti, Gaymondo, Wisey, the Prince, Tooperman,
Wordybonk et al, all I can say is..... "crisis - what crisis ??" S.O.B