"Every time a friend succeeds, a small part of me dies" - Gore Vidal

The home of cricket and good manners played host to Harpenden CC for the annual battle for North Herts supremacy. James Handful won the toss and elected to bat. Unusual. Opening up were Rankin and Wise Pee. Rankin, betraying the impatience of the gutter press, played a 20-20 shot in a 45 over game and was horribly bowled for zero. This is often called a DUCK. Ignominy must surely follow. The Niceman cometh - enter skyscraper No3 Nick Spindley - striding to the wicket wearing glasses, Malcolm Devon stylee. Sadly, his yin and yang out of kilter, Nick was yorked for one. Jimmy Hat then joined Paul Wides for what turned out to be a most excellent partnership. Batting with determination and no little élan, not to mention esprit de corps and L'oreal, these two mainstays held firm against insistent and relentless consistency. Wides faced a brace of beamers from one loose-limbed Harpie and called for a new bat, a helmet and a pint of crème de menthe to settle his nerves. Unfortunately, the break only served to disrupt his zonage and he was promptly bowled for an impressive-up-until-dismissal 18. He later claimed this to be on the low side and threatened to take the elderly female scorer round the back of the clubhouse for a mouthful.

Enter club pro the Gee-Oat. A wise head on narrow shoulders, SNR settled the ship of destiny and played an innings of distinction, judgment and character. Hormone, looking both fair and set fair, was surprisingly caught for 39 when a nifty looked odds-on. Sh*t. However, Kiwi Aaron batted like a man destined to make 23 and eased the Cavs passed the 150 mark. His dismissal signaled the arrival of Tim 'the catalyst' Foster. An innocent knock up beforehand with Wordy had planted the seed of doubt in his drug-addled brain to such an extent that he was out first ball. This is also known as a GOLDEN DUCK. Tant, Chairman of the Three in Four club, faired little better, conspiring to get himself caught second ball off a full toss. FULL TOSS. Shakespearean. Wordybonk (who only likes women over the age of 18) joined a beseeching SNR. However, the Bonk was gone before you could say 'synagogue window' for an ugly-looking six. Tim 'Firmin' Homebase was the last of the lowers to register ZERO, though not before Simon reached a well-deserved fifty. SNR finally holed out for 51 in the final over, to close the innings on 180.

180. A good score in darts and real tennis, but perhaps some 30 runs short of truly competitive. No gimme though. Oh no. No.

DIY tea and serious talk filled the interval, along with the arrival of THE JUDGE who took an agonising 1min53secs to announce that 'this place gives me the fugging shivers'.

Four an over was Harpenden's target. However, their young Australian opener mistakenly believed the target to be four per ball as he launched a vicious assault on Tant's opening spell, an attack only matched in its ferocity by BCR's verbal onslaught directed at Frase later during the tale of the tape. Unsurprisingly Tant's shoulders dropped (no mean feat) and Brindley was brought into the attack earlier than expected. He, despite an improved line, faired no better. At the other end, Timmy F, his batting but a distant appalling memory, was tutoring a lesson in the art of medium paced swing bowling. He snaffled the Aussie for the much-needed breakthrough and though his figures were tarnished by a brief onslaught from ex-Roundhog Todd Baines, his 10-2-40-3 was one of the great swing bowling displays of the modern era. Two excellent catches, by Rob Roy and Aaron Spelling, completed his trio of scalps. Seany contributed a spell displaying more variation than a Prince one night stand, and was unlucky to have nothing to show in the all-important wicket column. Sadly, the Cavs were eventually out-pro'd by Harpenden who reached their target with 10+ overs to spare. A chastening experience but perhaps a valuable one for a team of immense potential, albeit currently lacking the borne-of-necessity drive that league cricket would provide, to take them onto the next level. Discuss.

MoM - SNR - for keeping his head (if not his hair etc etc.) whilst all around him were losing theirs

Champagne moment - Wisey's 'take that you C-unt' square-drive off the beamer-slinger, only to break his bat in the process

Runner-up Champagne moment - The Judge shotgunning a bottle of Champagne behind the bogey clubhouse